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January 2006
DIVORCE PARENTING AND STRESS
By Matt Doyle
The day-to-day challenges of parenting are significant enough without divorce. And, the challenges that come with attempting to recover from the end of marriage complicate the parenting process for everyone, including those who are normally less impacted by stress issues. Stressed parents find they are less tolerant, irritable and angry, depressed, and down right miserable at times. The good news-they can do something about it.
Stress is normal part of the divorce process. In fact, stress is commonly under-identified by divorcees as the primary reason for difficulties. Too often, divorcees focus their attention on anger and sadness issues, rather than identifying some pretty simple things they can do to deal with stress. Understanding how stress impacts spouses and children can help parents appropriately and effectively navigate the divorce process.
Stress is basically our reaction to change. Yes, it is more complicated than that, but at it the core of almost all stress is change. First of all, there are times in our lives when we should be stressed. Those times usually revolve around significant life changes such as death of a loved one, job changes, moves, change in normal routine, health related issues, and change in family make up. Obviously, divorce can bring some or all of these changes to the table. So, it makes sense that stress plays a vital role in the entire divorce experience.
Recognizing what is happening can help parents choose the proper approach. When significant change enters their lives, control becomes an important part of the equation. When parents feel out of control and powerless, stress levels tend to rise, and frankly there are few life situations outside of divorce where parents will feel more powerless. Naturally, when a person feels out of control, they often attempt to control something or many things. Often, divorcees and children in divorce attempt to control what is happening around them, and very often they attempt to control other people.
Most parents underestimate this control issue. Divorcing parents frequently attempt to alleviate their stress by controlling their ex-spouse or children. And, most often, the reaction to these attempts to control is negative.
If parents want to immediately reduce their stress they should try this: Sit down at the kitchen table with a note pad and list 10 things they can absolutely, without doubt, control right away. For example, what time they get up each morning, what they eat. They can even control whether or not they allow themselves to get drawn into an argument with their ex. Even small things can make a difference when combined with other things. Once a parent has a list of things they can control the next step is to follow through. A list alone will change little. But, if parents work toward controlling the things on their list, they are on the way to successful stress management.
Divorcing parents must recognize those things that are beyond their power, and not attempt to change them. The result for them will be less stress and more success.
Matt Doyle has 14 years experience as a mental health professional. He is a family therapist and divorce parent coach. Our law firm has provided this article for informational purposes only. We do not endorse the author's opinions or services.
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